ABOUT THE AUTHOR Alden Nagel is the founder and editor of Nut Hole Publishing, and also a writer. You can find him on Instagram: @naldennagel
My name is Brenton Berkowitz, and I’m a recent college graduate. I graduated from Scottsdale Community College with an associate’s degree in office administration at the end of winter quarter of 2024; more or less attaining a degree in pencil-pushing. I do appreciate my life, though — I’m content. I make $26 an hour, right out of college, and I was lucky enough to find a job that pays me that wage in the greater Tucson area. I spend my personal time teaching myself how to play the bass guitar and reading sci-fi novels. That’s me for you.
Below, are bullet-points of various texts I’ve received over the past four months from a past roommate, let’s call him Edgar. He ended up only going to SCC for only one quarter, drilling out because he got immeasurably overwhelmed by his almost flunking out of a two credit course on cell phone photography. But before all of that, we originally met through Craigslist, each trying to find a roommate so we could afford our respective living costs, while attending school and not having to work too much other than what was necessary to agreeably pass our respective classes. We bonded over the fact that we were the same age. I think doing too much ecstasy was his thing, but I wouldn’t know. I don’t care. The closer it got to the end of my final quarter at Scottsdale Community College, the more I actively avoided him. I have no idea why he keeps texting me. We were never even that friendly, in any real way, to begin with.
The texts below started coming a week or so after I made the move from Scottsdale and out to the Toledo. These are all presented by themselves, as I never responded and never would’ve.
And that hole, faggot?
Guys really be like “ya my craziest sexual experiences have been with minors.”
Oh Benjamin Netanyaddy fuck me with your circumcised genocidal Jew dick!
All these girls out here wanna cut off their guys’ peters - but I won’t let it happen mother I’m a real biological femoid!
I think my new roommate is going to take my movies out of their DVD cases and sell them to Half Price Books for food. He already ate my Spaghetti-Os, that slimy fucker! Do you have any like, mouse traps I could borrow?
Hey dude serious question so I fucked a woman dude… am I supposed to have these like, welts on my dick? Here’s a pic:
Do any of your frat bros want to haze me? I have some extra strength Ibuprofen they could have, it goes well with poppers lol trust me. My salt mine of a manpussy isn’t for the light of heart, they’ll need some pain killers. I tried doing some Human Centipede 2 roleplay a while back, it’s a thing. I did a thing!
NOTE: (I have never been in a frat, they don’t have those at community colleges)
Hey I just got in big trouble, like arrested dude, for calling a cop the n word a few times. Only a few! I thought he’d find it funny cuz he was white. I thought they were cool like that!! Can you get me your frat’s rape lawyer’s cell number dude please
I just got out of a screening of the new Judd APATOW movie, and man, what a film! The audience was crazy though, it was a total orgy of autists up in that bitch! They were stimming so hard that I thought the building was going to collapse and tbh if it did then half the autistic population of Scottsdale would have died
God I don’t understand why my grandparents don’t just send me $3,000 like its nothing to them and would solve literally all my problems…
I know about you. You are a great young man. I really enjoy talking to you. But I think of River Phoenix, and to this day, I have some type of deep feelings for her. That's why I don't want to bother you. Anyway, I wish you a wonderful weekend. If you ever visit Europe, let me know. Berlin you would like for sure. Or Barcelona, any place in Italy, South of France, perhaps Amsterdam, Copenhagen, etc. Budapest is great city too. Clean version of Berlin, great architecture and diverse cultural scene. I know the doorman at Berghain, I also know Jim Jarmusch. I once saw him outside a Tully’s coffee when I was 14. Here’s a pic:
In case you were wondering, yes my manpussy is as deep and cold as a salt mine after my recent butt lift. It’s because I lived in Argentina for a vacation with my church for two weeks when I was 26 and I had my first experience with divine intervention. Why is it this way? We’re all to blame, all of us. Here’s a pic:
Jesus was such a lil bitch up on that cross like he could TAKE it damn that’s some serious fucking kink… Jesus was a gooner bro lowkey like what a sick freak ass… horndog no honey he was the whole goddamn old cunty buffet of S&M REI freak shit and there probably was actual shit too they just cleaned up the Bible you know all them wannabe puritanicals that aren’t even actually hateful like trust me they don’t hate anyone they’ve just literally never known what it’s like not to be constipated I mean honey all that gluten and wine are you fucking me and not even giving me a kiss even on the mother fucking cheek afterwards like bitch like come on hunty cunty bitch bitch bitch bitch bitchhhhhh…..
What’s your thoughts on left-handed people like are they a subspecies I’m serious what’s their deal lol
Just used sunscreen for the first time since high school I’m such a facefag
Do you still love me? I thought you thought of me like a father figure while we lived together……
Hey, sorry I haven’t texted you sooner, I was actually on my way to visit you last night, when the last thing I remember was being hit on the back of the head, while riding a late night city bus out to the train station. Then, nothing. I woke up hours later in my underwear, bloody and in a cold sweat, my hands tied behind my back, attached to a pipe in a dark stairwell. When I was able to wriggle my left hand free, I used the one remaining match I serendipitously had in my back left pocket. I then illuminated the space with it by holding the matchbook between my teeth and in a flash of an instant, it all came back to me: the Scottsdale midget gang stole my Yu-Gi-Oh cards! Again!
A woman at my work abandoned her wife, got much more drunk, and is now giving a man she just met head out on the sidewalk. I think the man came in with his husband. I love identity politics,,
I think Salo And The 120 Days of Sodom is the most beautiful film in the world. Fuck David Lean bro hahahaha. I can loan you a Criterion copy of Salo if you’d like, I have four. I really think you’d love it
mmmmmmhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Just started my new job and first day I gotta spread my hole for all the kids to peer into and see the wonders of the universe before they step into Wonka and see Timothee Chalamet do the same thing but in 3D… the smell-o-vision comes first kiddies… this Godiva love ain’t free no it ain’t…….
Can I borrow $375? No promises on paying it back but imma try don’t worry I gotchu
Goon bitch!!!!!!
I’m ex-gay now. Leftists and queers have done me no good. The church always has my back.
Let me know if I can ever pray for you. I’d love to pray with you too and show you the new way — the true way. Amen, and hallelujah, in Jehovah’s name.
I wish he’d leave me the fuck alone.