ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alden Nagel is the founder and editor of Nut Hole Publishing, and also a writer. You can find him on Instagram: @naldennagel
I believe in the boundless human capacity for love.
Love takes time. This is because, love is something which is taken care of, mutually. Love does not scare away, nor does it banish. Love talks. Love walks. Love shows the way in which any two people can. This is why, first off, I don’t believe in polyamory. I don’t believe more than two people can make it work at once, and call that romance. That is a kind of love, yes… but it is closer to platonic, or rather, the sexual too. Love shares, but not people. Love is open. Love is kind. Love is not small - love listens. Love is the largest non-physical force in the universe. Love is, of course, something that extends far beyond any two people. Two people who hate each other, I do believe, share a kind of love. That love is in the very agreement to mutually hate. There is no love in agreeing to disagree. But, there is respect. Respect is one of the highest human virtues that does not become romantic as a point of semantic fact.
Love, though, goes beyond agreement. Love is something which does go beyond any two people - the missing element, yes, is time. Love is created, and, like physical matter, cannot go back once it is gone. It can diminish, it can darken. It can even smolder out. But, love is a fire through which nothing stops it, except for time. There is one force in the universe which binds the worst of us to the best of us, and, I believe it is the same thing which binds any two people; friends, colleagues, coworkers, neighbors, animals, humans, family, lovers…
Love is, of course, infinite. Even when it goes out, like that of a charcoal fire, it can come back at any time, due to the sheer force of the heat encapsulate within this very matter. Love does not abuse. Love, though, hurts only the soul of which one accepts and feels love as. Love is spoken, communicated. Love is felt - in any form in which one can use the verb felt. Love goes beyond, of course, the dopamine, serotonin, and the cortisol of it all. Love is simply that which binds all of time, and all people together. There is only a lack of love in the most unforgivable human actions; abuse of the vulnerable, of animals, of children. War crimes. Pure sadism. Evil, with the intention of evil itself and nothing more. However, to believe these relatively simple ideas, one must remember: how would, for example, a non-religious family handle love? This is surprisingly complicated. Non-religion within a family, is a relatively new facet of human society. This is not an endorsement of any religion, or of any one belief.
However.
I would like to postulate… that love isn’t even about moving on, nor of forgiveness, nor of reconciliation. It’s not even about acceptance. What I mean is, of course… therapy does not create love. Therapy, as a practice, can foster the ability to love. Therapy is not love, and that is good. Therapy, certainly, is a form of aiding oneself, and others, to cope. There is certainly a reason why any therapist shouldn’t love their patients, and they have to take them out of their personal lives. Their jobs are hard. This is similar, in a way, to the personal lives of judges. Judges, like therapists, of course, cannot possibly separate their personal lives fully from that of their work. No one can, and to think otherwise, is a nothing more than a fool’s errand. In an age where people can, and do, perform any kind of work from their home that is not extensively artisan-based, or requires their physical presence (such, as that of any representative-based work, that is, one which requires face-to-face communication within the same physical space) is, of course, nothing short of reality. To tell someone that you love them purely over a digital space is, for these same reasons, also a fool’s errand — it cannot be anything else, for it does not purport to be anything else. It only is.
To love someone, one must understand the following:
Do everything important in person. This includes making calls, and video calls. Nothing good happens from texting alone if whatever is being communicated has any irreplaceable life-value. Texting is, in the most literal sense, speaking through code, and also digitally. It has nothing to do with connection. It is the easiest form of communication. Love does not text. It calls, and, it shows up.
There is no good breaking of romance that occurs not in person. Only abuse and fear are qualifiers for communication of this sort of distance. There is another qualifier, of course, and it is any sense of insecurity. Love does not fear, but of course, fear does not desire, either. Love simply exists, as an immovable human force.
Remember: nothing important happens in life before one’s late 20s (note of course, those among the 27 club, or of those who didn’t make it to 30 for any reason). I don’t know this from experience, as I’m only 25 presently, but I do believe it.
Communication is the only way. Communication with words alone, spoken and unspoken, heard and not heard — is never enough.
Communication cannot solve a lack of communication. Obviously, its not as simple as this. Other people, and also sociology, fill this hole.
What does one have when they have nothing left? Nothing they never had to begin with: oneself, one’s body, one’s mind. There is nothing a single person cannot do without these elements.
Money does not bring happiness, nor can it solve problems that health can. This is of course, why everyone should have insurance. Money without insurance, isn’t even loving money. It is a clear lie - to oneself, and to others. It is money without the security of money. Any other way is irresponsible to oneself, those one cares about, and to everyone around a community. Money-related irresponsibility is the most unsustainable human action, which occurs daily. It is conservative, of course, to say that money exists to be spent.
Directness is also a form of kindness. I should know: I’m much more often attempting to be witty in my own life. This is a personal problem, based in a life-long anxiety of other people. It does not help, of course, that I’ve always had a fear of women, in some way, that reminds me of how many straight men I know have. This is only because, I’ve always preferred the company of men. This, too, is a me-problem. Everyone of course has difference coinciding with their identity, and identities clashing with difference.
Kindness does not need wit, but, wit and humor never hurt. I find that those who have no sense of humor, or rather, cannot be naturally funny, are often the most doomed among us. This is because of what need not be said, and also, because one can also fill this void with aggression, and protection (in America, this is often referred to as “self-defense”). I’m talking, of course, about either the inability to be kind to oneself, or to that of others. Aggression fills this void. Humor, gaiety, openness, softness, slowness; these elements do fill this hole too. It has nothing to do with protection of any kind.
In America, a lack of care is often confused with that of a sensibility for violence. It has been said this country has a profound attention problem. I would rather say, that we are the most frenetic country in the world, and all of us (the poor through the rich) fill this void with bad food, loveless sex, depression, television… nothing creative, nor community-oriented. Of course, love cannot exist without community. Shutting out of community itself is also antithetical to love.
Love does not choose not to care. People choose not to care.
It is often a sense of truly capitalist propaganda, that declares that one can be happy, in a world that is not dead, by living sustainability by oneself. I’d like here to refer the reader to any movie about cabins, or of any tale of this. Of course, there is an irony to this sentiment, too. It is simply… no one wants to live alone, but very few people are truly happy in a studio apartment. This is why many people would prefer some hut out on a river. It is a true error of judgement to believe that the internet can provide a social life. One’s happiness can exist by oneself for a long time on its own… but very few among us are absolute hermits. I believe, sometimes, the urge to be a hermit comes from a disdain for the human world. Sustaining oneself has nothing to do with true loneliness. This is romanticizing one’s life, yes, but it can also mean romanticizing one’s depression, one’s learned helplessness, one’s inherited and also lived trauma. However life comes towards us, there is nothing for all of us which cannot be solved by love, time… or the third element implicit in this, which is, whatever that triangulating element may be.
Love requires other people if one is talking about social love of any kind. Between two men this is called being homosocial. To joke about this is to find a lightness, and irony too, within male friendships or relationships of any kind. All is love, only as much as people drop the act of pretending that love is not what it isn’t… which in reality has nothing to do with discordance. What I mean is, of course, attachment theory is not enough. It is after all, only theory. Hyper-fixating on the attachments between people is also a sign of loneliness. Love is not found within that which encapsulates the whole of all things. People love other people - their attachments do not. Love has nothing to do with attachment, after all - because it cannot be analyzed. It can only be felt, and believed.
What’s the deal with love? I’ll tell you what I believe the deal with love is… if there ever was one. It is simply the urge not to go outside, or, feel comfortable doing so. If one has troubles with this, it often speaks to a true sense of fear of the self, or of one’s mind in any way. It is a disjointed uncomfortable force of existence itself. I would like to add, that I have one irrational fear. It’s nature, or rather, being too far into nature. I do not trust nature. This is a me problem, to a maximal degree. I love nature, and some of my deepest ingrained beliefs (as they have been for the majority of my life) is that humans only have trouble not loving nature because they do not desire their own company to begin with. There is also a romance towards the city within this, though. What I mean, of course, is that to love oneself, one has to be willing to simply go outside, or rather, be ultimately willing to do so and then following through. Passion, without love, isn’t depression. It is a lack of love being granted, and received. Love is a feeling to be learned, but character is also the greatest tell… if one is stupid. Character is only a judgement call. This is because, there is nothing immediate about love.
There is no love that can be found indoors, if one truly believes the indoors are fully separable from the outdoors. Fear of the home, and urges to be territorial, are those very factors which create this feeling within oneself. One has to go outside, to even consider love. Love is not found at home by itself. However - love is, when one remembers that it has nothing to do with whether you happen to have a key to one’s home. This is also a metaphor.
Home, like family, is also granted. It can be taken away as quickly as it is given. Humans have never had it any other way.
Love does not examine. It does not pick apart. Love is not based upon science. Love only has to do with what people feel. The science looks ridiculous, trivial, even puny in the face of that very feeling of love. This is primarily because, romantic love is only one kind of love - and not the most common, either. Platonic love is. Romance cannot blossom from friendship alone.
Families, nor friends, create love alone. Oneself does. Love is, after all, as real as one can glow with that very warmth of love itself. Love for oneself, is similar to love for others. Of course, this does not mean that loving oneself is a narcissistic act. Families, neighbors, and community members can also confuse love. I do mean, of course, that of narcissistic family structures. Ones which, of course, care much more about appearances than happiness. Those families can have kindness, and gentleness - but not love. They often have what they feel they do not have, but fill this void with anything cheaper. Distractions from what’s important is usually the cause. A home, also necessitates independence. This is only because, they are never truly loving, because their love is based upon sharing of that which is replaceable, and the confusion of this with love. Love is not family. But, family does foster love. A family is only as healthy as its most unhealthy member. The same, of course, applies for any household, whomever they are.
Furthermore…
There’s a belief about the fear of nature (open spaces), and of fear of bodies of water (open depths) as it pertains to dream analysis. That is, a fear of nature has been said to be a fear of the masculine, and a fear of open water has been said to be a fear of the feminine. To call it simply fear, of course, is reductive rhetoric. There is a third element here, and it isn’t even desire (but of course, desire is a key element to this very idea).
Dreams are, of course, those beautiful things our minds create while dealing with stress of any kind. Dreams are resultant of our minds to make sense of the sensible, through the processing of them as insensible - the mind checking in on itself by applying irrationality.
So, what is this third idea, which triangulates love, time, and dreams?
Simply, something which can never be seen. Something either at the absolute pit of the subconscious, or of the pit of the soul of all things. Whatever one can fathom of the nature of protons in one’s own nervous system… may be it.
Of course… love is not a tell of this.
People are.
People only love as strongly as they are loved in the entirety of their lives. People who have never experienced love, in its multitudinous forms, will not know love. But, they will feel it. This is the very infinite impermanence of love at work. It is inescapable, it is all around us, and its wherever you are reading this now. This is not corny, but this is just how things happen to be, in all things.